When your heart breaks..

Written by Kajsa IngelssonAugust 21, 2021

It feels like a black hole in the center of my chest. A black hole, you know like the one that consumes stars and all other things that dare getting too close.

Im all too familiar with the feeling, yet it takes me by surprise every time.

The apathy. The pain. The rawness.

The feeling of being fully alive yet completely dead at the same time.

I know it will pass, this is clearly not my first rodeo. Its still not a knowledge that gives me any comfort at all. All I feel is this black hole, expanding, consuming everything good and golden that normally is me.

I cry and wait for some kind of release but in vain. People ask what’s wrong, but I don’t want to speak your name. I don’t want to think about you with her.

You think that love is enough. Oh dear sweet honey bee, it is not.

The split was inevitable. There was no more options, I was out of ideas. ME, out of ideas! Thats something that almost never happens. This is when I knew that it was time to let go. Not only for the love I have for myself, but also the love I hold for him. It was some of the most painful weeks of my life, our conscious uncoupling. When he left, it felt like he took half my heart with him.

I guess I had many options on how to deal, but I chose to run. It has been my preferred way to dealing with things all my life. You can say its my default mode. So I ran… In many different and familiar ways.

All dazed in a haze, here I was trying to outrun my own heart…

It worked for most of the time and for quite some time. I mean, I was bloody and bruised, intoxicated and both with a low blood pressure and a frantic energy. But my heart was quiet… even though only because I made sure that everything else was so LOUD.

Its been 3 months now, and all of a sudden I hear the news that you have chosen to run too. Straight into the arms off something dangerously familiar, instead of embracing the potential of the unknown. Instead of choosing yourself, choosing to face your fears, choosing to make friends with all the hurt small versions of yourself that live inside your chest.

I thought you were stronger, but who am I to judge?

Funny thing is, the knowledge of you running made me stop right in my tracks. Paralysed by grief and physical illness, I could not even bare to move my feet. I had no choice but to listen to my hearts lonely and hurt cries. Have you ever heard a rabbit scream as a dog is biting it to death? It seems unreasonable, the amount of pain that I am feeling. I don’t understand how my heart can be so open yet so broken at the same time.

A flower told me this morning that this is not a time for logical thinking or understanding, this is a time for feeling and healing.

I do know that I choose me. I choose to call back all my energy and soul fragments that I left with you. I choose to break all energetic bonds that are making me so painfully aware of everything that is you. You might not be done with playing the same unconscious movie written by a hurt and neglected child, but I sure as fuck am.

When your heart breaks... you let your tears be the glue that puzzles it back together. You let your grief show you what is yours to take ownership of and by doing so making sure you never write the same script again. You let your black hole consume you, just to be reunited with all the young and hurt versions of yourself that needs to be seen, felt, heard and permanently re-homed in your newly renovated heart. You come to the scary and daunting realisation that you need to be everything for yourself first and foremost, before you can even approach the idea of a spiritual union and partnership with anyone else.

There is a lot of work that lies ahead of me and my tender heart, but I am not running anymore.

I am here to stay, and whatever comes, will be far better than what I left behind.

It might still not comfort me right now, in the midst of my despair and sorrow.

But I did not come this far to let myself be anything less than the greatest lover I ever had.