The third time on Ayahuasca was the hardest for me. I decided that I wanted to go deep to deal with some past traumas of mine. And I did, but not in the way that I was expecting. I did not re-live any of my past life situations. I was shown certain moments as a movie, all while she explained everything around it: why it happened, what happened inside of me when it did, what I need to do now to move on.
I realized that I have been living a big part of my life separated from my body, only living in my mind. Seeing my body as an object, punishing it for not performing the way my mind wanted. Mistreating it for not being good enough. I saw the truth, that my body is amazing and not a separated entity. We are one. We are a team. My body always loved me. Even when I was filling it with drugs, even when I stopped eating, when I was making physical violence on her. Even through all the mean things I’ve said and thought about her, she kept loving me. My heart kept beating, my lungs kept breathing and my pulse kept pumping.
Now I will return this love. I’m hereby reclaiming my body. We are one and I love you! I will always take care of you.
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My afterthoughts are as following: doing it 3 times in 6 days is really intense. But I really think it’s the best way. There is so much less room to escape or to make excuses. And I also feel like there is so much to know and experience, one time would leave me hungry for more.
I believe that everyone is to benefit from this experience. But let me tell you, it is not a fast fix of yourself or your life. It’s not going to be your almighty savior. Or maybe it will, I cannot speak for someone elses journey. It is scary. Amazing. Overwhelming. But you need to process what she gives you and practice it in your everyday life. It will be challenging when you go back to society and your life. But no one ever said it would be easy.
I saw the being in everything. I felt the space of no-thing that lets everything else exist. I realized the importance of living in the present and dying to the past. What I did is that I created an empty space in my mind where I can allow myself to dwell in the wonder of my being.
Love is the answer. Love, meditation and presence will bring peace.
